Raging 101

---Well, my Mom and I are pretty darn close to having all the one year anniversaries concerning the passing on of Dennis behind us. Weve got, well, my Mom has their wedding anniversary to yet get through and then we have his birthday.

The Birthday will be tough, very tough. My Mom just got back from Chicago and said his head stone looks really darn good.

I havent fully even come close to dealing with his passing yet, it just all comes out as anger. Over the past month, I have had 2 incidents where my visitation rights with the kid have been revoked for days on end because of anger. Ive even made open, violent, threats to people in public places where half of the damn City could hear me. Ive gotten better with it now though, Ive learned to just walk away, unless the kid is being hurt, scared or is in danger. I never knew I had such a blind rage within me. My ex hates it and I cant blame her. I become fearless, as if nothing could stop me. Ive explained to it to my daughter and she kinda understands it all a little bit.

My therapist and I have just really started to work on this, its all so new. I can tell her anything, shes great. And I know in her position, she isnt there to judge me.

I know deep down that Im never gonna get my ex back, I just havta deal, but Im still very protective of her. And the kid, well, of course Im watching out for her all the time.

Im not an out right violent person, but shit, these blind rages I have had are just too much and my therapist feels a lot of it could have to do with Den's death and losing such a staple in my life. Id love to have him back, I think about him everyday, sometimes I cry, sometimes I dont. I just miss his hugs, his smile and his totally wacky sense of humor. God, was he ever funny.---