Today 01.01.08 I restarted (as planned) my journal program. Since around 1992 (and sporadically before as early as 1985) I have kept a hand written journal. Mostly shit from my gut jotted down before bed. For the entire year of 2007 I refrained, as my writings had become very negative. I hope with ambition that resuming this habit I am able to give to those I write for a better perspective of my hart, and its intentions and motivations along with that optimism that drives me most of the time. On top of that I hope to include a better perspective on where I am. Earlier I took a peek at an old journal of mine and was alarmed to see that it made little sense to my self. See for your self entry dated 10/19/93.
“ Come on give it to me so that I may destroy it with anger is back again where it came from I’m not sure it seems that I am very anxious to flatten every bodies ego’s these days. If I feel there’s wrong doing, I feel I must stomp it out especially hypocrisy, yes that one still haunts me I couldn’t say why even to C sorry I don’t know what to say maybe I need some time alone, maybe a day to get reacquainted with my self, I am not sure. I wonder about my relation ships, babble babble. I can not seem to handle much of my parents. I feel like they are total strangers, I see them and talk to them but it seems most of the time don’t know what to say to them and they don’t know what to say to me… My friends they are cool I can usually talk with them but not always, it seems their own shit is always more important unless they want something. I see many people do it to F and it’s simply not right. But what or how do you say shit like this to people who hurt you with out hurting them or turning them upon you to hurt you more… stupid games, I should quit! Some days I will find my self very jealous of other people just talking and hanging out, not always but most. I rationalize the reality of it is not justifiable or right. But still it happens man that’s getting me and it sure is confusing, maybe it is just me to many little focused pictures all at once. Today’s antidote (written above a drawing of a hand flipping the bird) 10/19/93.”
I think I was living with Frank at the time… but I know nothing else of the day. Any how it was fun to reread and speculate, hope you find it the same. I was just thinking that I should not make the same mistakes in my writings.
3 comments:
I think journaling is a great idea be it positive or negative, at least youre getting stuff out in the open. I too keep journals here on the p.c. and hand written ones as well, most of which no one will ever see, but it does help.
You definitely seemed pretty frustrated with this entry here that you chose to share with us.
see, I prefer the "internalize my anger until I get an ulcer" strategy of dealing with my feelings.
it works for me.... kinda. I suppose I may drink more then I should.
All kidding aside, thanks for sharing Scott. good luck with the journal 2008. I have always admired people who do that sort of thing. but never do it myself. I have trouble coming up with things to say. "Worked today" "Kids were a pain""Rode my bike". blah, blah.
Tif's always asking me "What's on your mind?" but seems a little disapointed when I tell her, "Nuthin' much" or "Sex"
yeah, hats off to you Scott, really. I told myself I was gonna start a new journal this new year also and last night when I picked up the pen, all my memories went straight to Den and then came the tears and I found myself with writers block. I still have it today when it comes to wanting/needing to journal, so I came here instead and jotted out some basic blabber from today and it helped.
I try so very hard to not "internalize" things anymore cuz that shit will really mess you up (looks over in Pete's direction) so I try and get at least one deep journal entry out once a day whether its here or in my own journal, PLUS, I go to professional therapy once a week and those sessions are an hour and a half, but thats when we divulge into the really nasty bad shit that has happened to me in life, way to private to place on a public blog....not that I want to hide such things from you, my greatest friends, but its too much for a blog.
You get what Im saying though. My therapist and I dig the damn skeletons out of the closet every week and they are too messy to leave laying around a place like this. If you guys ever wanna know what has happened to me, all you have to do is ask, I would never hide my past from you, im not ashamed, just protective of it being public.
OK, OK, I ramble........bottom line...good job Scott! Please share more of it when you have the time or desire, I LOVE reading your works!
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